Houston Southard

Nativity’s Thirst Trap

Egypt ran the 1st successful racket in monotheism via Atenism a thousand years before christianity and centuries before judaism.  12/25 was the winter solstice, marking longer days and the sun's restrengthening. Called the nativity ritual, celebrants shouted at shrines of the new-born sun, represented by the image of an infant, crying "the virgin has brought forth! the light is waxing!"

In the 1st and 2nd century CE, early Egyptian christians took 1/06 as nativity's date, gradually spreading throughout the east to overlap with the celebration of the savior's birth. In the 4th century the western european church, who had never recognized 1/06 for the nativity, adopted 12/25 as the true nativity date. For christians to celebrate nativity on 12/25 was considered a heathen custom by the church's engineers, and concerned how many of its followers leaned toward the kindling ceremonies celebrating the sun's rebirth, they counseled, resolving to adopt 12/25 as christ's nativity, moving the Epiphany to 1/06 (hence the 12 days of christmas).

Augustine decreed christians to "celebrate not on account of the sun, but on account of him who made the sun," in order to transfer devotion from the sun to christ, the sOn.

Theologians and christian literalists rally that the dates are coincidental, rejecting all calendrical interference. Father Ambrose is famous for having said that "christ was the true sun (yes, sUn, not sOn) for having outshone the fallen gods." They claim links between Jesus' birth and pagan feasts weren't first made until the 12th century.

Armenian christians still hold steadfast to celebrate the little palestinian's birth on 01/06, but his birth on 12/25 doesn't appear anywhere (certainly not in the gospels, you know, the accounts of Jesus' life as described by 4 of the capital A apostles decades later) until the mid 4th century Roman almanac stating that on 12/25: natus Christus in Betleem Judeae: “Christ was born in Bethlehem of Judea."

Others still have claimed 4/05 or 4/06 as Jesus’ true birthday. In 5 BCE Chinese astromoners identified the Broom Comet. More recently Cambridge Astronomer Colin Humphreys has argued the Broom Comet was likely what early christians claimed was the star of bethlehem seen during Jesus’ birth. The mormons now celebrate his birth in april, due to “prophecy” unrelated to the Broom Comet.

Modern day christmas is still littered with pagan rituals: decorating the pine trees. putting them inside. Stringing them up with lights and stuffing gifts underneath. Mostly pine stuff.

And Santa's past is equally storied. A 3rd century man from Patara (greek, now turkish) named Nicolas was orphaned and inherited his parent's wealth. He became a priest and used his fortune to protect vulnerable children. His death, on 01/06, became one of celebration.

In 1804, after the american revolution, John Pintard, founder of the New York Historical Society, evangelizes Nicolas as the patron saint of society and city. In response, Washington Irving, America's first literary satirist, publishes a book in 1809 entitled "Knickerbocker's History of New York, parodying the city he lived in as one of jolly, specifically depicting St. Nicolas as an elfin burglar with a clay pipe who came down chimneys to deliver children gifts. To underscore Irving's making fun of his love for Nicolas, the next year Pintard had the first american image of Nicolas commisisoned, showing him as a chubby children's gift giver. A decade later, america's 1st picture book, "the children's friend," depicted the "Sante" Claus arriving north in a sleigh with flying reindeer, rewarding good behavior and punishing bad.

The rest is history, a history that empties the wallets of the people. Check your bank account. How much was tithed this year? What dollar amount went out to our consumerist's christmas gifts?

Anyways, happy holidays. Make Days Hot Again!